Thoughts about life, crap, and stuff - "Grab her by the...."

I usually wait a while if I am going to write about some social issue that is dominating the news.  I like to ruminate on it a bit because I like to read different opinions in regards to it, and not have a knee jerk reaction to things.

However some events in my life have unfolded in the last week that made me revisit this piece of prose, and rewrite a lot of it.

Yesterday morning, I found out my mother had a stroke.  And as I continued writing this article it took on a different turn due to being reflective about what she has meant in my life.  Something I will get to later in this.

But first, I wanted to address the comments from Trump that was dug up from 11 years ago in a "locker room" type conversation because it is relevant as to where I arrived at by the end of this post.
This isn't about the presidential race, or what a shit show it is.  It's about what it has brought to light.  And that is the cultural line of hypocrisy we live in.

As a father of three girls, I can tell you that me and their mother talk to them on a regular basis about boys...how they talk, and how they treat them.  And the main theme is this -

"You teach men how you will be treated."

That means I expect my girls to carry themselves with dignity, respect, and modesty in their own behavior.  Because if they do so, it's what they will command that people give back to them.

This seems like a simple concept, but it's one that has largely gotten lost in the proverbial social sewage tunnel that is modern day feminism, where they preach that men must respect them, regardless of how deplorable their own behavior is.  For example...

"Slut shaming is wrong."

This is based off the apparent double standard that, if a man sleeps around with lots of women, it's ok.  But if a woman sleeps around with a lot of men, she's a slut.  And that calling a woman a slut for the same behavior men get a pass for, is wrong.

Ok, so let's decide here which one is acceptable.

Should we call males "man whores" and tell them that sleeping around with all the women they want is wrong?  Because if so, then women doing the same thing should get judged by the same standard.

If men are sluts, then women are sluts for the same behavior.

Which one shall we have?

"I don't think people should be judged for..."

I really wish people would stop this nonsense.  As an adult, you are free to live your life as  you please.  That's  your right.  And it's absolutely my right to have an opinion about it if I am asked.  It's absolutely my right to judge you for your words and actions.  Should I judge you fairly?  Of course.  However people are in fact going to make a judgement about you based on what you say and what you do.  This is reality.  This is factual.  You don't have to like it.  But it's better to get pissed off, than pissed on, I suppose.

Femnazi's want women to be respected REGARDLESS of what they say or do, based on their gender alone.  Of course they hide behind the equality badge in all of this but it's not about equality at all.  We don't have social equality because women can get away with shit men can't, and vice versa.  All you need to do is watch some social experiment videos where women beat on men to the laughter of all who watch it, to understand we're never really going to live in a society of equality.  This doesn't make it right.  I'm just stating for obvious reasons what real life actually is.

As I've read all these opinions, and watched these videos of women literally crying over Trump's comments, all I could think was the state of social constructs we have right now in this country.

And I am going to write this - Women, you can't have it both ways.

You cannot run around half naked, having all the casual sex you want, and EXPECT good men to respect you.  You cannot put your hands on a man in anger and it be "ok".  Men should never put their hands on a woman in anger either.  But the reality of these situations are, men get a pass on casual sex, and women get a pass on violence towards men.  Maybe if we held each other to the same standards this would jolt people into reality, but again, I don't see that happening.  And I'm not fighting that battle because I have kids to raise, and I can't change the world.

I teach my girls to dress appropriately because I live in real life.  Not in some made up fem-nazi utopia where women can dress like street workers and still garner the respect of a good man.  And yes, I want my girls to marry good men.  But I can't expect them to gain the love, respect, and admiration of a good man if they don't carry themselves as respectable young women.

Women you cannot post videos of you twerking and expect good men to take you seriously and respect you.

Women you cannot post pic after pic after pic of your tits and ass, in order to get affirmation and validation from men, then complain about all of the "creepy" messages you get in your social media inbox.  When you objectify yourself by creating the persona that you WANT and DESIRE for men to look at your tits and ass, then they will reduce you to being nothing but tits and ass.  YOU DID THAT.  Not them.  You objectified yourself.

Do you understand that?

Women, you are the ones that bought a book about a man who dominates and objectives a young woman in the realm of S&M and got all hot and bothered by it.

Women, a large percentage of you watch porn.  Know anything about the porn industry?  It preys on the young, helpless, naive females who are often in horrible places in their life and it's an industry filled with abuse, drug addiction, disease, and objectification.  Why don't you do some research on all the women who have left porn and shared the same stories about how awful the industry is.

As a man, I've been very vocal in my stance on porn in that I don't watch it (no, I REALLY don't), and I think the whole industry is a shit pile and that any man sitting around the house, with a woman in it, who is watching porn and jacking off has serious issues.  So THIS MAN, has been vocal against porn.  Because there's not a damn thing respectful about the porn industry in regards to how it treats women.

"They aren't hurting anyone" blah blah blah.  I wonder if the people who say and write that nonsense have ever listened to the people who have exited the porn industry and exposed the horribleness of it all?

Young males, with such easy access to porn often end up seeing women as nothing more than sexual objects?  Yes.  And it possibly warps their ability to cultivate honorable and respectful relationships with women?  Yes to that too.

Male porn stars who participate in porn, often end up seeing women as nothing more than sexual objects.   So how could you expect young men who watch porn be left with anything but the same state of thinking?

Yet I've read plenty of times from progressive liberal minded women that we shouldn't judge women in porn because it's an "honorable" job.

I guess the word "honorable" has become extremely flexible in today's society.

I wonder if people who say or write that "they aren't hurting anyone" have been in the presence of a family who has a daughter or son whom they love and care about, and mourn daily over watching the state their life is in?

Life isn't lived in a vacuum where your actions don't affect anyone at all.  As someone who lived half of their life watching a sibling struggle with drug addiction I can tell you, it's an absolute lie that people who are addicted to drugs aren't "hurting anyone else."  And the same goes for porn.

Many teens never have the chance to learn what a healthy relationship is like before porn starts teaching them its version—which is typically filled with violence, domination, and abuse. [11] Since most people aren’t too excited about the idea of being in an abusive relationship, teens that have gotten their sex ed from porn often find that they struggle to connect with real romantic partners and that they don’t know how to be turned on by anything other than images on a screen. [12] As biologist Gary Wilson said, “Using porn is more than just training for the wrong sport. It’s replacing these guys’ ability to play the sport they really want to learn.” [13]

Erections are powered by chemicals in the brain’s reward center (See Porn Is Like a Drug] that are released when a guy sees, hears, smells, or feels something that turns him on. [18] The problem for porn users is that they’ve hijacked their reward center by using porn to get it to overload on these chemicals. [19] As a result, the user’s brain responds by cutting down on the amount of pleasure chemicals it produces and stops responding as well to the chemicals that are being released. [20] It’s like when you’re standing next to a fire alarm that goes off; it’s too much noise so you cover your ears. That’s what porn user’s brains are doing. When chemical levels are too high, the brain fights back by blocking some of the flood of chemicals released.

On top of that, porn users have wired their brain to get aroused by sitting alone in a room looking at virtual images rather than connecting arousal to being with a real person. [21]

There's plenty of studies that prove over and over again that relationships that involve porn are diminished in quality and commitment than ones that are porn free.  

"I watch it with my partner."

Again, this doesn't matter.  Nothing like disconnecting emotionally with the person lying next to you and eroding intimacy over time by staring at two actors and fantasizing about that, rather than spending that time being in that moment with the person you claim to care about.

So why aren't women, who believe that men should respect women, taking a hard stance against the sex industry which CLEARLY objectifies and abuses women and decimates young males ability to cultivate the proper social skills required to create nurturing sexual relationships?

You see, Trump's words don't have much of an effect on plenty of young men, because so many of them already see women just like Trump described them.  And plenty of women play a part in that by espousing that casual sex and flings are "perfectly ok".  By not holding themselves to a standard that commands respect.

Why all of my talk about porn?  Because it's become a sexual acceptance in today's society despite all the peer reviewed research going back decades documenting the damage it does to people's lives, and reducing both males and females to nothing more than a means to an end of sexual gratification (which really isn't anywhere near as gratifying as investing in intimacy with someone you love).  This is science.  Not your opinion.  Yet when the issue of Trump's statements come up, women are horrified that in this day and age so many men have reduced them to sexual objects.

So I will ask again, which one is it?  Do you want and command for men to respect you, or do you want to live a life of promiscuity and sexual liberation where men see you as nothing more than a piece of ass?

Do you desire for men to speak, act, and treat you in an honorable way?  If so, then speak, act, and cultivate a personality that others see from you that radiates these qualities.

I'm sorry, you have to pick one or the other.  You can't have your cake and eat it too.

I look at the road we're headed down, and have been headed down as a society, and it depresses me.  For my kids.

Marriage is on the decline.  And you know why?  Because women now see casual sex as perfectly ok, and men are tired.

Men are tired for being blamed by the modern day feminist movement for all that's wrong with society.  They are tired of being told that there's something fundamentally wrong with them.  They are tired for being blamed for everything that makes a woman unhappy.  If the man is the breadwinner, then somehow she's automatically put into a subservient role.  But if he's a stay at home dad, then he's a beta male with no ambition.

Men can't win.

Men used to court women, get to know them, figure out if they were the kind of woman he would want to marry.  Now, men don't have to go through all of that.  Because as a society women now shout from the rooftops that casual sex is perfectly ok, that "slut shaming" is wrong.

So now a man can get all the sex he wants, well...after signing some documents that shows she consents to it, and all the various positions and sexual actions that can or cannot happen after the invitation to sex has been granted.   And then he doesn't have to lose half of what he owns, because feminism has proclaimed that the nuclear family causes women to be submissive and is oppressive to them.

So men retreat into porn, and engage in too much casual sex, and become completely inept at developing quality relationships with women.  Women then say they can't find a good man, and blame men for all of it.  Round and round we go.

NO.  Decide on a standard for both genders.  Is it respectful and honorable to be selective about who you sleep with, or is it perfectly fine to engage in sex with on a casual basis with people you barely know?  To me, this seems fairly obvious.  

Women, you cannot control what men say.   You never will.  It's never going to happen.  What you can control is what you say, what you do, and what you will tolerate.  Who you will keep in your circle, who you will give your love to, and who you will be vulnerable to.

This isn't about rape culture.  This is about acceptance and rejection.

People don't accept or reject YOU.  They accept or reject what you offer them.  And if you reduce yourself to nothing but tits and ass and casual sex, like the hundreds of women that flock to a guy like Dan Bilzerian on the daily, then that's all you're ever going to be.  And you can't blame men for that.  Take a long hard look in the mirror and try some self reflective honesty.

Rape or sexual assault is deplorable.  Again, as a father, I'd gladly serve time in prison for killing any man that hurt my daughters in that way.

At the same time, I work diligently to teach my girls to carry themselves in a way that will attract a man that will love and respect them and that how they speak, act, and dress will determine the quality of man they attract.  And to reject behavior from men, and people in general, that isn't respectful towards them by walking away from it.

As their father, I do my best to behave in a way THEY are proud of.  When I have failed at that in the past, I have worked very hard to make amends for it, and tell them MY OWN BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.  I didn't sit back and justify it because of gender or social acceptance.  I can't sit back and tell them to act in a way that will attract a good man, if I also don't work to be a good man as well.

You will attract what you give off.  Act like a lady, and you'll get a gentleman.

But don't write on social media about how appalled you are at the comments of men if you're supporting the sex industry, twerking, buying books that promote misogyny (ironically written by a woman), posting pics of yourself with the camera facing down into your tits or with your ass stuck out for all to see, then "like" the comments about how "sexy" you are.  Oh and then turn around and bitch about men objectifying women.  This just makes you a hypocrite.

Now I'm pretty sure there are probably some men who are clapping and blame all of these problems on the modern wave of feminism alone, but we're going to be real about this as well.

Men are a huge part of the problem as well.  Obviously.

One thing I have trouble getting my head around is men who have mother's they love and respect, or daughters or sisters they love, and would never tolerate another man talking about them in a disrespectful way, yet do so about females outside of that group.

You're all hypocrites too.  I have been at times as well.  So let's be real with each other about this.

Men, we don't often keep each other in check.  The "locker room talk" we deem acceptable wouldn't be acceptable around our mother, daughters, or the woman we love.  There isn't a man on the face of the planet that genuinely cares about his daughter(s) that would tell her that a man speaking to her in such a way is "guy talk" and that it's "perfectly ok".  If he did, then he's not a very good father or role model.  And being a great role model starts with your own behavior.

Living the life as an honorable man will often mean treating people with respect and courtesy even when they may not deserve it.  It may mean asking yourself "what is the role of an honorable man in a dishonorable world?"

As men, we have to be accountable for our words and actions, and the ramifications they can and will have.  I'm sure Trump now regrets his "locker room" talk from 11 years ago, no different than if I could have a talk with my younger self, I would tell him to consistently talk and behave in a way his mother and daughter's would be proud of.

Gandhi once said "be the change you want to see in the world."

As men, if you want other men to treat the women in your life that you love with respect and dignity, then it starts with you.  You have to set the example.  You can't complain about your daughter's picking dirtbag males when you yourself act like a dirtbag.

As men, we need to keep other men in check in regards to how they speak to and treat women.  And by doing so, hope they hold the other men in their circle to the same standards.

Women need to understand that some men aren't going to do this.  That some men are going to be ok with reducing females to sexual objects not worthy of respect.  But you can't lump ALL men into that proverbial basket.  There are plenty of good men in this world.  And if you're living your life through the words and actions of an honorable woman that commands respect, that the good men will reveal themselves to you.

I can't change the world.  A blog post can't change the world.  But it might make someone pause for reflection about these things and decide to make a change in their life about these things.  And that change may have a reverberating effect  throughout their inner circle of people they care about.  And that cascade effect may continue from there.  And one day down the road, one of my girls may meet a good man.  An honorable man.  A man that talks to her and treats her in a way that makes her feel loved, respected, and honored.  And it's possible that through some kind of positive degree of karma, that he was taught how to do this because he had a male role model talk to him about it.  And going back, that somehow this simple blog post or my words or actions played a part in that.

And despite my stance as a libertarian, I wholly understand that my words and actions aren't encapsulated inside an isolated world.

The smallest of gestures can set off a chain of enormous outcomes.  A phrase of few words can change a life.

In The Vocation of Man, Fichte says that "you could not remove a single grain of sand from its place without thereby ... changing something throughout all parts of the immeasurable whole".  

The root of compassion, empathy, love, and consideration all start with respect.  Even when we feel as though we are being wronged.  That's when we find it most difficult to show love and respect.

But if there is one very hard lesson I learned over the past few years that I always "knew" but often failed to apply, is that if you keep showing someone respect and love, even when you aren't getting it back from them, love will win out in the end.  

I am thankful for all the great women in my life who have taught me so many valuable lessons about what it means to be an honorable man.  I've had many great men do so as well.  However I think as males, we don't often take a step back to be grateful for the women we've had in our life that teach us so many things that truly, we can't often learn from other men.  And maybe that's part of the problem we have that separates the genders at times.  As men, we need to acknowledge the influential women we've had in our lives that tried to help shape us into good men.  Because they can often offer a perspective that only a woman can.  And rather than be dismissive of that, open our minds to accepting that gift.  Because it's a priceless one that we should be incredibly thankful for.  

So many of the great parts of who I am, came from my mom.  And the older I get, the more cognizant I become of that.  She is one of the most incredible people I have ever known.  And I know that she would want me to treat women with the same degree of love and respect that I always did with her.  

The saying of "behind every great man is a great woman" is blatantly wrong.  Because I don't want my woman behind me.  I want her beside me.  Letting me know that if it means burning the soles off of her feet to be there, she'll walk through hell to do so.  Because I will for her.

And she'll know the only thing I reached out to grab, to make her want to be there beside me, was her heart.  

I think my mom would be proud of that.

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